Struggle of 2009

I wanted to speak about my life in this past year to show you a little about me and my struggles; how I went down the hard way instead of letting God direct my path.

My dreams were to be a pilot, but I had glasses so that was out of the question. I wanted to go for my privates anyways. My dreams crashed down in January 2009. At the age of 16 I had the first signs ever of epilepsy. I had little pauses/ shakes that I was conscious during; it was the scariest thing I could ever imagine and knowing I couldn’t do anything. I was waking up sometimes with a swollen and cut tongue; at that point I knew I was starting to have seizures not shakes. My parents didn’t really believe me, they thought I just bit my tongue while I was sleeping but the cut was so deep the pieces of everyone’s thoughts didn’t quite fit together. I told my parents about this, it didn’t really affect them until they actually saw me have one in the middle of February while playing a family game; they instantly called 9-1-1. I couldn’t have imagined it getting any worse, the dizziness/ tiredness and waking up to me being on oxygen. My heart sunk, I had no clue what had happened. That night being escorted to the hospital in an ambulance was terrifying. I started having more seizures, the doctor didn’t believe my family and I. He thought it was just the ‘hormones’. You think that after I have had more than one seizure and the countless times I had a cut open tongue and you would have thought it would explaine it all, but what I described to him he didn’t think sounded like a ‘true seizure’. My family was shocked so they tried eliminating some things that might have caused it, just in case. At that time I had braces, I got them removed 3 months early and I couldn’t eat/ drink anything out of cans. Well I kept having seizures. Finally they did some testing- it was for only 30 minutes. Nothing showed up it said my brain waves were not abnormal. I thought it would never end. The doctor told my parents that the next time I had a seizure, which he doubted, they were suppose to tape it. Yeah my parents walk around the house with a tape recorder all the time… yeah no. They finally got it over time. By the time I had had 10 seizures they found out that I was epileptic. They put me on medication 2 pills twice daily. It was tough to function and get used to the fact that I wasn’t really ‘healthy’ anymore. I got diagnosed with epilepsy in July. Through all of this I was struggling with the fact that my Uncle and Auntie were in a car accident in December. Everything was fine until that same ambulance escorting my Uncle and Aunt to the hospital got in an accident as well. It crushed all my Uncles vertebras and made him paralyzed… around the time of my diagnoses my Uncle got triple pneumonia and passed away. He will always be remembered by his favourite song, “It is Well With My Soul”.

Everything was in a jumble. It was so aggravating… frustrating… I got in fights with my family all the time, almost seemed like I just didn’t care anymore. My schooling went down in marks; I had gotten homework but never did it. I just wanted to give up, just to be done with all the crap in the world. So many people asked me if I was “ok”… why do people ask that when it’s obvious I am not. I am a very outgoing person, I don’t like it when people worry about me constantly, I always smile and laugh at things so randomly- - just because I need it for me. My friends who know my struggles ask me why are you laughing and smiling when your life is going down hill. Just because my life is tough others don’t have to suffer for it.

I dreamed of a fantasy, but I got reality. Through all of this I just couldn’t do it on my own but I thought I could. God is there all of the way. I went to a youth retreat and the pastor spoke about ‘riding the fence’. He asked a deep question by asking if we were leading a double life. I started crying it seemed like I was. At youth I just loved being there and would worship like I always had by growing up in a Christian home. Felt like I got away from what had been happening. When it came to school it was like all my problems had just rushed back into my head. I acted like a totally different person. Are you on the good side? Riding the fence? Or the atheist?

The thing learnt.

© God will ALWAYS love you no matter what condition you’re in! No matter where you are in life. No matter how far you wander off the path. No matter how much you sin. God sent his son Jesus to die for OUR sins. (John 3:16) He loved us so much he didn’t want to see us suffer.

© Life isn’t easy. It isn’t a fast track. There will always going to be obstacles; I believe those are tests from the LORD. He wants to see how much you believe, how much trust and faith you have in him. We as people are not perfect we are going to have our faults. This was one of mine.

Bits and Pieces

“Our saviour, He can move the mountains, our God is mighty to save, yes he is mighty to save. Forever author of salvation, he rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave. Shine your light and let the whole world see. We’re singing for the glory of the risen king.”