Battlefield

~You have to go through the storm before you see the rainbow~

I love this quote because it’s so true, sometimes the storm is just harder than you think it will be.

See this is stuff that goes through my mind no matter what I say or my opinion on things is nobody tends to listen, so I never have talked to my parents ‘bout the majority of this.

It seems like a never endin battle. I don't know where to go anymore. I get told “Ask God! Ask God!” I ask questions, but I get sent back to square one every time I am even close to succeedin. I struggle a lot, I almost wish I could have found Jesus on my own and not grown up knowin him... because I question was it me that made a decision to be a Christian or is it just a habit because I am followin what I grew up knowin.

I have examined myself and realized I don't really act like a Christian I know its because I feel like I have just been followin someone else footsteps and not takin my own. So, I am tryin to figure my life out... the story goes on.

"I thought I would never question everything that I know, never thought I would have trouble findin my way back to you. Well I have searched and I have found that there is nowhere to run to, there is nothin to hold onto there is nothin I can do..." --Amanda Falk

I am in a never endin battle, but I am still here and still standin. I am tryin, just sometimes I don't know where to start. My life is a mess.

I went away one weekend to my gf's place (one of my friends who just had a baby girl), well I consider her family; my second family. Her five year old boy (I have been there since he was born) ran into my arms and told me he loved me and that I was the best in the whole wide world. I just wanted to cry. I didn't though ‘cause I didn't want him to ask me what was wrong. I feel so invisible out here. I feel like my parents just had me as a child to be a slave... I don’t feel appreciated. I do something for them, they don’t say anythin except ask who did it then they go into the kitchen... oh Cassandra supper isn’t made! Well how many times do I pay for your suppers how many times have I made you supper how many times have I bought groceries, where is Brandon he can pull out a cook book. Plus I had to pay my school fees because my parents can’t afford everything. I never get recognized. Invisible. I rarely get told "I love you Cassandra for you!" or "Thank you! I appreciate that"... unless I tell them I love them. But I don’t wanna say it anymore. I am done. I have no money saved up... I help my rents out more than anything. My brother he has loads of money saved... who gets noticed? him. I am just used. That’s how I feel anyways.

My brother treats me like I am a piece of crap. He makes fun of my disability and won’t help me out unless my parents make him. The worst thing is, is that he imitates it. He thinks he can tell me what to do. He yells at me, says I am worthless makes me feel like I am the tiniest thing on the face of the planet earth! He blames me for getting epilepsy and blames me for things he did wrong. He is 18. You know how hard that is to hear that from an older siblin that you have looked up to since you were little? It is the hardest thing you could ever imagine. But, yet when that semi hit him and I realized I could have lost him that day... I realized how much I still loved and cared bout him.

You know my medical stuff it is sooo stressful!!! I am in and out of the hospital all of the time!! I am sick and tired of it! I will be for the rest of my life. I hate doctors, there might be somethin combined with my epilepsy that is why they can’t get rid of all the symptoms and I am the one takin all this crap. I have to prick my finger 4 times a day. I am the one who is depressed all the time. I am the one who has to try and keep my life together. I am the one. I am the one. I am the one! I am tired of my parents naggin voices oh this will help and all this stuff. I just wish they could walk a million miles in my shoes and take all the meds I have taken and see how hard it is... especially my Dad who hates doctors and has never seen a doctor/dentist/nothin since he left home.

School. I know this semester is easy for me because I only have 3 classes but it is still hard! I am always drug down. The guy that led me on and screwed me over in the long run still likes me but is datin chicks to try and make me jealous. Ya I like him but I am sorry he is a player, I am not gunna date a guy that is gunna waste my time. Sports season is the only thing I look forward to. All the sports I can play and the sports I love to watch on TV. But still I am soooo confused! My life is a puzzle and the pieces dont fit together. I cant be like Patrick on Sponge Bob Square Pants and glue em together. The lies, the back stabbin, etc. I know will never end... it will prepare me for the real world but I hit the real world at 14, its called reality. I get judged for who I am, I want them to walk in my shoes and they can see how strong I have been to get this far. I have no friends out here... no literally.

I feel so invisible. I always have to say somethin to be noticed. I never get asked to hang out, because I don't really have anyone. You know I tried to commit suicide when I was younger... and that I also slit my wrists?! I thought it would take everything away! It can’t. You know if I really wanted to be dead right now all I would have to do is refuse to take my medication for several days. It’s that easy. But, when you always take the easy route you miss the adventures of the hard route. I know that even though I am strugglin in my faith God has a purpose for me.

I want a different school I want a different place to live I want a different life! I look at everyone else and their lives are fine, their dreams are comin true, they have everythin I have ever wanted. I am stuck with everythin. I had to get the braces; I had to get the glasses/ now I have cateracs and need surgery; I had to get the epilepsy; I had to get the joys of no friends; I am not allowed to have a drivers (at the moment); I got physically/mentally/emotionally abused; etc... its me me and me again. I have come to the conclusion that my brother is perfect. He has nothin to worry about he can fly thru and go ahead with his future plans as for me... I can't go anywhere without a drivers and coverage on my medical supplies. Without a medical plan it costs around $1000/month. It blows my mind. I live with the pain everyday wonderin and thinkin am I gunna die today?!

Love,

Cassandra Falun